I am content now.
(In this specific moment, as I sit by the roaring fire and watch the rain through the window).
You brought me such incredible joy.
Highs like I’ve never before experienced. A sense of what an incredible person I am, me, as I am now, with no requirements to change things, or fix things, or be better in some way. The sense of being absolutely and completely adored in every possible way.
But with the highs come lows.
You gave me a snapshot of how life could be, and then suddenly, unexpectedly, you took it away, and I plunged to depths so dark I wasn’t sure I’d climb out again.
Was it worth it?
I still yearn for you.
I still long to hold you, and be held by you, to press my lips against yours and see the smile that lights up your face when your eyes meet mine.
I long to see you glow, as you always did after we made love (and I wish to feel again the glow myself!)
You call and it’s as though nothing has changed, no time has passed, no distance stands between us. We drop into the easy, comfortable banter we always had, and I feel, in those moments, certain of a shared future, once we get past this current blip.
Now, in my moment of contentedness, I think perhaps it was worth it, that the highs make up for the lows, even if there is no future for us. And yet when the low point hits again, as I’m sure it will, I will wish I’d never known how wonderful life could be with you in it.
I’ll wish only for moments like this: sitting by the fire, watching the rain…
Steady, even, peace.